I am starting with my usual rantings on University. The past one three days had been a gruelling week for me and I believe it has been one for my University friends as well. Days we mugged so hard and only coming to a conclusion that past years papers demoralised us all. Professors don't provide answers so we will never really know what mistakes we've made at all. It is a never ending rat race. Thirteen weeks of school term seems really short, which is why we should never skip lectures or tutorials. I barely scraped through the three days of exams where I had a morning paper on day 1, then two papers with one in the morning and the other in the evening on day 2 and finally, the toughest and most dreaded paper in the afternoon on day 3.

In the midst of all the preparation, I recognise that I've never once internalised or grasped any solid concepts of any of my core modules. This semester is one helluvah hectic one. My scheduler is forever filled with due dates of assignments and reports, and weekly quizzes that I feel so strongly of giving up and ignore the grades I'm going to receive. But each time when I'm on the verge of succumbing to the weaker side of me, my very understanding partner will always cheer me on.

There were many instances where I can see how important I mean to him and how my every feeling means so much to him. I mean it. Every single feeling. I was under immense pressure after my second day of exam, when I have so little time to prepare for the paper next day and to make things worse, I only know bits and pieces of that module, which will probably cause me to fail. Yet I know I cannot miss the paper because each semester will only get tougher and tougher. My only option left was to get into the examination hall and throw in whatever knowledge I know and leave the rest to God. So my third day of exam was like..........

Day 3

08 00 Woke up and kicked off all grogginess and forced all the facts into my brain.

09 30 Finally touched on my first past year paper.

10 00 So fucking running out of time to practice anything and I'm only halfway through the preparation. 

So much to revise. I've been telling myself, "Know what? Just do whatever you can."

11 00 My hands were shivering because every single question that I've attempted, I just cannot complete without his help. I am in deep shit this time round. 

I fucking don't want to fail because it will only cause my GPA to drop a lot and I even have to retake this module in Year 2.

11 20 I stormed out of the room and slammed the room's door because I needed to shower and I still cannot get over the fact that I could have done so much better if I was given more time.

11 35 My boy came and give me a hug and told me that I can give the paper a miss if I really feel that I cannot perform at all. 

He gave me lots of encouragement and actually spoon fed me with the concepts that will be tested for certain topics. 

My tears rolled down and I couldn't calm myself down because I cannot come to a decision and fucking hate the situation that I'm caught in. 

11 45 Collected myself altogether, memorised all my equations and took Holy Communion before making our way to our examination hall.

15 15 Examination over for the week. 

15 30 One of the score for my module has been keyed into the system.

Disappointment. I am very disappointed with the result. I cannot move on with the fact that our group did not perform well.

Our clique went on to have our lunch together at Macs. Jayden walked off with Kenny first. I looked into my wallet and knew I had to withdraw money. I thought I'd be good if I could be left alone for a while so I went without telling anyone. The queue was pretty long. When I got back to Macs, I heard a very familiar voice and someone has already held my arms before I even knew it. He was right there, looking very worried and he kept telling me how he was trying to find me while I stepped away and how he looked for me in that area and even thought I was in the washroom and got even more worried when I am not in there. He was worried that I'd get too upset and want to face things alone and thus walked away. 

At that very moment, I finally understood how much I mean to him. I have always always been on his mind even when I thought I wasn't. He waited for me for so long when he could have gotten his food first. Without any hesitation, he got me the Hello Kitty from Macs to cheer me on. Thank you for always having me in your mind and always placing me first on top of anything. I always manage to find things I can learn from you.

I love you.