You have no idea how much that made my day today.

How long has it been that I've been wanting things to get back to what it used to be? I lost track. It's been months, from wanting, to losing, to trying, to getting up, to leaving everything behind, to seeing it come back and watching it all go away, to losing hope and placing my hope on something new, to see everyone becoming your friend except me, to being afraid that I've been replaced (or I may have already been replaced), to heaving a sigh of relieve upon knowing that all my conjectures were wrong.

I've been secretly hoping that everything will fall into place the way I wanted it to be. Selfish, I know. I'm willing to compromise if I can restart this whole thing. If only God can give me a better way of classifying relationships properly. I need 'compartments' for the sub-classes of relationships. It would be better if there are compartments named 'worthy' and 'not worthy'. Then at least I know I don't need to go through all these. Yet I know if I don't go through all these, there'll never be a day I can learn and grow. In such dilemma of wanting to grow and yet not wanting to go through all these. In the end, I'll have to take the former and reject the latter.

At least after today, I learnt that you were always at the back of my mind. I don't need to live in self-denial and doubt. In the past, up till now, I've been looking out for you but each time I tried to make sure that you don't realise it and I made sure that I don't realise it either. At times, I don't even know how to approach you. No, you're not intimidating. It's just that the experiences that I had from trying to make things the same and at the end all I got was pain, slowly cemented the tiles of an invisible protective shield around me, guarding against you. I would try to act nonchalant when there are things concerning you and before you can hurt me, I would hurt you first. This went on and on and finally I was out of your sight.

There were days I would think to myself if you've ever agreed to what they spoke of me and if you've added on to it too. That very day when you commented on something, all the doubts I carried with me, when everything came to an abrupt end, resurfaced. The inner me wanted to clarify things with you so badly but I stopped all curiosity. After all, who am I to question anything about you? All along, I was just caring for you but it turned out to be something you felt disturbing about. At that very instant, I really felt that whatever I've done for you weren't worth my time at all.

"So after all that I've done, this is what you think of me?"
"Is this what you think? Really? Am I really that person you see me as?"
"I need to learn to not be like that. I need to learn to be less like that."
"No, I am who I am."
"Oh am I behaving like what you said I was?"
"Whatever. I am going to be who I am and you shall hold no control of me."
"Anyways, I am dispensable in your eyes. I'm fine like that anyway. I'll just be who I am."

All those thoughts were what that went through my mind for the next few weeks after your harmless comment.
You have no idea how much weight your words carry.
You have no idea how hurtful it could get even if you said it casually, though I doubt it was a casual remark.
Nevertheless, I've survived them all and I've moved on quite well.
It's just that today, you took me by surprise and you actually got me thinking,
"Hey, you still do look out for me."